I’ve never been closer to giving up. Everyday I feel less and less like I want this. I don’t know what’s keeping me. Optimist? Fear of being alone? I don’t see a light at the end of this tunnel. We both could be happier apart. I’ve been so unhappy for so long now. 

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I wonder how many other trips he lied and cheated. I wouldn’t have ever even known about this time if I didn’t get sick. I wish we never met. I know I’ll be okay. I can’t wait until he leaves for Thailand.

In all honesty…

If I were to be completely honest…

I’m not fine.

As of right now, I finally become okay with not being fine.

I still don’t want to see people. I still don’t want to talk bad about him. I think if someone ask me “How’s Jo?” I would just break down.

I don’t want to drink while I’m this sad. I’m already on the brink of tears every now and then. I don’t want to be a hot mess. Drinking won’t make me or the situation better. Plus, it slows down the weight loss. Lol, how am I supposed to catfish the next one with a beer belly.

I really don’t want to sleep with anyone else. I said that to make him mad, but really my heart is not in it. I don’t want anyone else right now. I don’t want to get attached to someone else and waste my time. I mean I don’t want to sleep with him right now either. The thought of sleeping with him still grosses me out. To me, he’s still tainted.

All my good friends were over yesterday, but I just went to my room and tried to sleep. I didn’t want anyone to ask me. Everyone is going out tonight, but I just can’t. I just want to be alone.  I don’t want to talk to anyone about it. All I had was him to talk about it with, but I would just get so mad and try to hurt him as much as he hurt me. I just don’t want to talk about him to anyone else but him because all I have to say are bad things about him right now.

He really is stupid. He just gave up. He really doesn’t get it. Whether it’s reading in between the lines or literal. He just goes based on his opinion, not considering how I feel. Even after what he did, he still has too much pride. I just don’t understand him. He had the nerve to get mad at me every time I had an angry outburst. I mean he would apologize later on but the fact that he would get angry to begin with pissed me off. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?! If it was the other way around he would have killed me. He would have fucked all my shit up. All I had was him to talk about it. I just wanted him to make it better. To try to fix it. He didn’t try hard enough. He’s made no initiative to change or tell me why it will be better if we got back together. He just stuck with the only way he knew how and was trying to charm his way around what he did. He just starts talking like we’re a couple again like I’m just going to date him after a betrayal. NO. I’m still mad at my mom for a betrayal not even done to me from years ago; so, if I can be mad at my mom this long, imagine how long I can stay mad at him. He didn’t try hard enough outside of his comfort zone. You have to prove to me your worthiness. You have to prove you’re willing to change. But he just stuck to his old ways. That’s not enough to prove that this time it will be better. Just being nice when you’ve done wrong and trying to sweet talk won’t do the job.

All I know is that he gave up on us. Boss lady was right though. You can’t give and expect someone is going to give you the same back. You have to just do it out of the kindness of your heart. I gave him the the same kind of love I was hoping to receive back. That’s what kills me. I didn’t get it back.

I guess I wasn’t worth it for him to keep trying for.He claims he wanted to be with my for the rest of his life. But that’s bullshit. Men go out of their ways to get what they want, but he didn’t want me enough. He just packed his shit and left. While we were together I tried to get better for him, but he just walked away and is trying to get better for the next one. I guess I wasn’t worth it. I guess I wasn’t worth his effort.

It’s not fair how a boy won’t hurt as much as a girl. He can still sleep easy and live his life like I didn’t exist. Me? I’ll be okay soon, but sometimes it just hurts so bad. But every day it gets easier.

 

 

 

In all honesty…

Who am I kidding? What am I trying to fix? This is broken beyond repair. It’s like a car. Sometimes the part you need cost more than the car’s value. Sometimes you just have to let that car go and get a new one. 

It’s a sign. 

 It’s funny. I didn’t even mean to look at the time when the quote was posted. 

While we were together I used to collect 555’s. It means the Lao/Thai equivalent to “lol”. It literally translate to  “ha ha ha”. Anyways, 555 would always remind me of him. Anytime I saw it I would take a picture or screenshot it. I would wait for 5:55 every day because it always made me feel like our relationship would go well. I’m weird like that.

But look at the time this quote was posted. It’s the universe telling me to walk away and I’ll be fine. 

It’s a sign. 

Cutting him off

I’m not sad anymore. It’s funny because my friend told me I had one day to cry about it and I told him I needed two. I just needed to be a cry baby this week and next week I’d be fine. Lol… I called it. I didn’t cry at all today or even come close. I think I am over it. I guess I really needed something this bad to finally break up for good. All this sadness is too much energy and it’s not like I feel that much emptier than I did before. It’s basically the same as when we were together except I don’t text everyday. Now when I see something that reminds my of him I just need to brush it off. And I don’t have to wait around for 5:55 anymore. Besides that everything is the same.

But I so have a minor issue. I sometimes get these burst of anger but then I’m okay again. The burst of anger is good though. For awhile I almost forget and come close the forgiving then he starts to talk to me like we’re a couple. It pisses me off. What right does someone have to fuck someone else, give me an STI, and think everything is okay. It’s not. It will never be. I just have to cut him off so I can move on. Just face everyone next week. I don’t feel like talking about it with people now. I don’t want people to feel bad for me. I don’t want to relive it or think about him. I don’t want to worry about him anymore and not feel weird about moving on.

The gym is helping me feel better fast. Now I think about it, the gym got my through my last bad break up. I was doing a lot of bad things after that last break up before I got serious about the gym. Luckily, I got serious about the gym before shit hit the fan. And at this gym I have a better support system.

And lastly,  I just don’t want to start over. What if someone else ends up wasting my time? Being single is easier though. There’s a lot of freedom.

Cutting him off