I’ve never been closer to giving up. Everyday I feel less and less like I want this. I don’t know what’s keeping me. Optimist? Fear of being alone? I don’t see a light at the end of this tunnel. We both could be happier apart. I’ve been so unhappy for so long now. 

I wonder how many other trips he lied and cheated. I wouldn’t have ever even known about this time if I didn’t get sick. I wish we never met. I know I’ll be okay. I can’t wait until he leaves for Thailand.

In all honesty…

If I were to be completely honest…

I’m not fine.

As of right now, I finally become okay with not being fine.

I still don’t want to see people. I still don’t want to talk bad about him. I think if someone ask me “How’s Jo?” I would just break down.

I don’t want to drink while I’m this sad. I’m already on the brink of tears every now and then. I don’t want to be a hot mess. Drinking won’t make me or the situation better. Plus, it slows down the weight loss. Lol, how am I supposed to catfish the next one with a beer belly.

I really don’t want to sleep with anyone else. I said that to make him mad, but really my heart is not in it. I don’t want anyone else right now. I don’t want to get attached to someone else and waste my time. I mean I don’t want to sleep with him right now either. The thought of sleeping with him still grosses me out. To me, he’s still tainted.

All my good friends were over yesterday, but I just went to my room and tried to sleep. I didn’t want anyone to ask me. Everyone is going out tonight, but I just can’t. I just want to be alone.  I don’t want to talk to anyone about it. All I had was him to talk about it with, but I would just get so mad and try to hurt him as much as he hurt me. I just don’t want to talk about him to anyone else but him because all I have to say are bad things about him right now.

He really is stupid. He just gave up. He really doesn’t get it. Whether it’s reading in between the lines or literal. He just goes based on his opinion, not considering how I feel. Even after what he did, he still has too much pride. I just don’t understand him. He had the nerve to get mad at me every time I had an angry outburst. I mean he would apologize later on but the fact that he would get angry to begin with pissed me off. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?! If it was the other way around he would have killed me. He would have fucked all my shit up. All I had was him to talk about it. I just wanted him to make it better. To try to fix it. He didn’t try hard enough. He’s made no initiative to change or tell me why it will be better if we got back together. He just stuck with the only way he knew how and was trying to charm his way around what he did. He just starts talking like we’re a couple again like I’m just going to date him after a betrayal. NO. I’m still mad at my mom for a betrayal not even done to me from years ago; so, if I can be mad at my mom this long, imagine how long I can stay mad at him. He didn’t try hard enough outside of his comfort zone. You have to prove to me your worthiness. You have to prove you’re willing to change. But he just stuck to his old ways. That’s not enough to prove that this time it will be better. Just being nice when you’ve done wrong and trying to sweet talk won’t do the job.

All I know is that he gave up on us. Boss lady was right though. You can’t give and expect someone is going to give you the same back. You have to just do it out of the kindness of your heart. I gave him the the same kind of love I was hoping to receive back. That’s what kills me. I didn’t get it back.

I guess I wasn’t worth it for him to keep trying for.He claims he wanted to be with my for the rest of his life. But that’s bullshit. Men go out of their ways to get what they want, but he didn’t want me enough. He just packed his shit and left. While we were together I tried to get better for him, but he just walked away and is trying to get better for the next one. I guess I wasn’t worth it. I guess I wasn’t worth his effort.

It’s not fair how a boy won’t hurt as much as a girl. He can still sleep easy and live his life like I didn’t exist. Me? I’ll be okay soon, but sometimes it just hurts so bad. But every day it gets easier.

 

 

 

In all honesty…

Who am I kidding? What am I trying to fix? This is broken beyond repair. It’s like a car. Sometimes the part you need cost more than the car’s value. Sometimes you just have to let that car go and get a new one. 

It’s a sign. 

 It’s funny. I didn’t even mean to look at the time when the quote was posted. 

While we were together I used to collect 555’s. It means the Lao/Thai equivalent to “lol”. It literally translate to  “ha ha ha”. Anyways, 555 would always remind me of him. Anytime I saw it I would take a picture or screenshot it. I would wait for 5:55 every day because it always made me feel like our relationship would go well. I’m weird like that.

But look at the time this quote was posted. It’s the universe telling me to walk away and I’ll be fine. 

It’s a sign. 

Cutting him off

I’m not sad anymore. It’s funny because my friend told me I had one day to cry about it and I told him I needed two. I just needed to be a cry baby this week and next week I’d be fine. Lol… I called it. I didn’t cry at all today or even come close. I think I am over it. I guess I really needed something this bad to finally break up for good. All this sadness is too much energy and it’s not like I feel that much emptier than I did before. It’s basically the same as when we were together except I don’t text everyday. Now when I see something that reminds my of him I just need to brush it off. And I don’t have to wait around for 5:55 anymore. Besides that everything is the same.

But I so have a minor issue. I sometimes get these burst of anger but then I’m okay again. The burst of anger is good though. For awhile I almost forget and come close the forgiving then he starts to talk to me like we’re a couple. It pisses me off. What right does someone have to fuck someone else, give me an STI, and think everything is okay. It’s not. It will never be. I just have to cut him off so I can move on. Just face everyone next week. I don’t feel like talking about it with people now. I don’t want people to feel bad for me. I don’t want to relive it or think about him. I don’t want to worry about him anymore and not feel weird about moving on.

The gym is helping me feel better fast. Now I think about it, the gym got my through my last bad break up. I was doing a lot of bad things after that last break up before I got serious about the gym. Luckily, I got serious about the gym before shit hit the fan. And at this gym I have a better support system.

And lastly,  I just don’t want to start over. What if someone else ends up wasting my time? Being single is easier though. There’s a lot of freedom.

Cutting him off

Dear Jo,

No worries. No one comes on this page. No one will know.

I just want to get the last of my hang ups out. I’ll just save this here until I have the courage to send you this link. I thought maybe if you saw some of my old post you’d understand where I was coming from. You don’t have to read them at all, but I’ll just leave them there. This letter is more important.

Stop asking for me back for now. Just stop. Stop trying to flirt with me. Here’s why.

  1. I don’t think I have to capacity to love you anymore. Maybe I can later. I doubt it, but who knows? I hated you too much for the the last two days. Not only that, you made two of my majors fears come true. You betrayed me. I haven’t forgiven anyone before this and I don’t see you as being any different. I still vividly remember how I felt with every major betrayal in my life. You would be the fourth person to make this list. I pretty much hate the 3 people above you on that list as much as the day they hurt me.
  2. You fucked another girl, got a STI, and gave it to me. You’re tainted. You’re dirty. I don’t even want to have sex with you anymore. The idea that you were with someone else turns me off and the fact that she was a dirty whore grosses me out.
  3. You didn’t even consider my friends, my coaches, and Nathan– all of the people I shared food and drink with. The worry and embarrassment you put me through.
  4. On that day I messaged you over and over about no bitches, you didn’t answer. That implies to that you knew what kind of partying you were going to do. You drank with those “bitches” in a hotel room. You say you don’t remember, but I don’t care because you put yourself in that situation. All of it is your fault. You made me feel like I was annoying for feeling the way I did when all along, I was right.
  5. Following up on the reason above, you travel a lot. You need a ton of privacy. I already have terrible anxiety. You don’t even try to ease my anxiety now so I can only imagine I’ll go crazy being with you. I can never trust you. My anxiety will be too much. I can’t handle it. You won’t be able to handle it. I just don’t trust you. I can’t give you 100 percent if I don’t trust you. Trust is everything. Now I’m not sure I believe anything you told me before either. It’s like a mirror. You might be able to tape or glue the pieces back together after you break it, but that mirror will never be the same. I’m not sure you can ever earn my trust back.
  6. Because you did this, I won’t be able to restrain myself when I go out anymore. There are nights I could have easily cheated but I had no interest. I think this will open up the doors to the possibility of just allowing myself to do it. Maybe I’ll be mad enough all over again. Maybe we’ll be fighting and I want revenge. I told myself a long time ago I couldn’t cheat on the person I’m with. Because I feel so strongly about this, I don’t want to be with you. I’m not sure what I’m capable of due to my resentment.
  7. I’ve been considering breaking up with you for awhile now. I’ve been lonely and unhappy being with you for a long time now. What will taking you back  do now? Everything will be 100 times worse than before. I have nothing to go back to with you. You still hide me from everyone. You don’t want to travel with me.You make no time for me. I don’t feel secure with you. You were too secretive. If you have nothing to hide, then why were you so shady? And every time I have these feelings, I try to tell you so we can work on it, but you never take me seriously. I stayed because I wanted to keep trying. I stayed because I used to love you and I really wanted us to work. As hard as it was, I wanted to be with you more. I wished on 11:11 everyday and on every rainbow I saw that we would work. I waited for 5:55 all of the time.
  8. I met someone. Not that I want to date though. Don’t worry, he’s not my type and I know it would never work with us. Plus, he had a super cute girlfriend and she’s there too a lot of times. But in our short friendship, I realized what I want in a relationship. We can talk hours and just enjoy each other’s company. Like we sit there and just hang out– nothing more.I listen to him and he listens to me. No sex, no nothing. It’s just enough for me to be there and listen to him. It’s hard for us to leave even though we’ve been talking for hours– just having a conversation. We both like to listen to motivational speeches too; so it’s nice to have something so in common. We play around a lot too. We just have a lot of fun talking trash to each other and teasing each other. Even though, he doesn’t really do BJJ he will come around, play, and roll with me anyways. It’s always fun when we hang out. No pressure for sex or anything. Just be together. I like that he makes time for me. If I get pulled into a class, he’ll sit around and make grumpy faces on his phone and wait for me to finish. Then after that he’ll stay super late with me. His GF even sits around and waits for us now.If I’m sad, he’ll come and hang out with me at the gym even if he didn’t plan on coming. He doesn’t need to know why and I don’t even have to tell him anything. Oh and he really believes in me. It means a lot to me. He pushes and encourages me to work harder everyday, but he’ll be gentle when he knows I’m sick. He’s even a little territorial with me (in a friendly way- he’s just looking out for me cause he knows I’m stupid). I think it’s sweet that he’s protective. He really likes kids too. I know it sounds like I’m talking like he likes me, but he doesn’t. We just had a strong connection. He and I are weird and we just click. Like I said, I don’t have any interest in dating him. He just made me see what I’m missing from my relationship. Maybe I just enjoyed the time and attention he gave me. This is my first new guy friend that I met on my own since we started dating. I tried not to get too close, but I haven’t had a friendship like this since high school. There’s no pressure to date or have sex. We just like each other’s company.
  9. I felt like you severed any link I had left to wanting to try to work it out. I loved how well you fit with my family. I thought it was awesome ya’ll could hang out comfortably without me. But after you embarrassed me and basically spit in their faces I question your loyalty for anything. You’re so fickle. One day you can be friends with someone, and the next day something bad happens you drop them. You don’t even give them a chance. You’re so emotional. One month, you hate Khunpon and make me quit the gym and the next month you think he’s great. Fickle.

 

 

Dear Jo,