Maybe I shouldn’t go back this time.

imageAnd if it doesn’t work out with brown-eyes, it’s fine. You went outside of your comfort zone and learned something. It was a new experience. It might of not felt like home, but you’re better prepared for when you find home. And when you do find home, you’ll never question it.

I really thought this would be it. I wanted to marry him. But I’m just grateful we ended on good terms and our last two weeks together were good memories. I waited 2 years for it to get better. It did but I don’t know. It’s just never stable and never secure.

I just want to find home. Somewhere I’m wanted and loved ¬†and where I can put my heart and soul. Please be out there waiting for me. Honestly, I just want to wholeheartedly love someone and have it returned. We can just love each other and our kids and Nathan and our friends and family. Travel together. Show off each other proudly to the world. Never give up on each other. And not just throw it away when its broken. As long as we want and love each other, for us to work hard to fix it.

I just want a wonderful, stable home.

 

 

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Maybe I shouldn’t go back this time.

Anxiety

I have crippling anxiety now. I’m not sure what happened to me, but this is not good. It’s really affecting our relationship.

Reading over our break up post from last year brought back intense feelings. It didn’t really intensify my anxiety, but rather reminded me why I have it.

If I don’t work it out with myself, It’ll never work out. Not with him or anyone.

Really, I think I have a fear of being left.

Our parents left us to our aunt and uncle while they started up their business. They were good people. I just wanted to be with my parents so bad. I still remember the EXACT feeling I felt when my dad would visit us in North Carolina and when his visit was over. How he would kiss us and tell us bye while we were “asleep”. He would be gone in the morning. I just remember balling my eyes out until I feel asleep.

I don’t know what I feared. Maybe he wasn’t coming back for us? He did, but I guess that anxiety stuck.

What sad is I’m doing the same to my son. His dad is doing it too. Maybe I needed this. To reevaluate motherhood. I have neglected that role.

Wow, in 10 minutes this post really took a turn.

 

Anxiety