Facing Monday

I’m not ready for tomorrow. I’m afraid of the reaction I’ll get when I go back into work tomorrow.

I’ve let a lot of things pile up undone and messy.

Plus, I saw 11:13. I know it sounds stupid, but I find comfort in seeing 11:11 on the clock. If I see 11:13, usually, it will be a bad day until the next opportunity to see 11:11.

I’m not ready to face Monday.

Facing Monday

10 THINGS: I Wish My Professors, my Employer (and my High School Teachers) Knew About Me

  1. I’m not as uninterested as I seem. As a matter of fact, most of the time I am extremely interested and intrigued. (If I can make it to class/work.) There several moments in class where my chest beats with excitement and I am so immersed in what were learning. I am not even exaggerating.
  2. I am not as stupid or dumb as my grades and GPA reflects.
  3. I’m not as lazy as my attention span, grades, and GPA reflects. Really, I’ve tried to do the assignments (if I didn’t forget about them), but most of the time I get so much of a headache because my mind will not focus on it. I start to feel a pang of guilt and anxiety. I cope by letting the deadline pass and just accepting the fact that I’ll probably fail. I just tell myself to stop being lazy.
  4. I am so detailed oriented that I get lose sight of the big picture. I do really well in some components of my work, and fall short in others because I only hyper focus in one area while neglecting another.
  5. You are doing such amazing work and I admire you so much for it.
  6. I feel bad for the days I miss. I always regret not going.
  7. Now a days, I try to be a quiet as possible and not be noticed. But I am pretty opinionated. I have a lot of ideas and intellectual value to add to a conversation. I would love to partake in the open discussion, but there are just a lot of elements holding back. Plus, I don’t want to be noticed while I’m there so you don’t notice when I’m not there.
  8. I don’t plan to skip. There are days that it is hard to mentally get out of bed and function.
  9. I work well medicated. But I feel like a lifeless soul consumed by work and chores when I am. More times than not I choose not to be medicated. Though, these days I am strongly reconsidering. Life becomes such a chaotic mess without it. I might not have my personality, but at least things get done
  10. I really, truly want to do well. But I don’t. I wish my work and output reflected my true mind. I just wish I could organize it so you could see what I truly have to offer.

I didn’t write this list to excuse myself from doing what I need to do or the expect anyone to be easier on me. In reality, I can’t have a doctor write an excuse note telling my boss I couldn’t complete my job because of my ADHD. What kind of boss would deal with that? They could just find someone more capable.

I’m just writing this because I feel bad. For those who can relate, I’ve spent my entire school career-as far as I can remember (since kindergarten)- feeling anxiety and guilt-ridden. A lot of my professors were excellent professors and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed their enthusiasm. I hate that I am wasting someone else’s energy and effort. I feel like I’m the type that would dishearten a professor. The world needs more professors like my professors this semester. I can really see the disappointment in my professors when we seems uninterested, but they still push through with positivity. It’s so admirable and they still care enough to work with us.

10 THINGS: I Wish My Professors, my Employer (and my High School Teachers) Knew About Me

The Week I Gave Up on Life and Reconsidered Getting Medicated.

I tried to follow this consistent trend of using one word to describe the “state of my life” for every post. You know, how Gossip Girl would use movie titles to title its episodes or how some other series used song names. Well, it didn’t work out.

A major problem with me: I’m just so inconsistent. It can be seen throughout my life in with such negative impact that I’m seriously concerned if I’ll be anything more than a mooching bum. I’d rather not exist if that were the case, but I just can’t leave my son behind to fend for himself.

Which leads to this week. This week- I was discouraged. I literally quit at life. I mean in the important parts. I at least cared enough to get out of bed and took care of my court stuff. (I had traffic tickets that needed to be taken care of.) I tried to go school but only went to one class all week. I didn’t go to either of my jobs. I did meal prep and finally do the dishes and start the laundry. (Our dryer is broken so I have to get it done at the laundromat.) Other than that, I don’t know what I’ve done with all this precious time I always wish I had. All I can think of all of the money I missed out on this week. I’m going to be struggling even more now. UGH! Once I start to do better, I pull some shit like this.

I think I will schedule a visit with this new doctor. I finally got insurance, but I have been putting it off. I think I need the medicine. I don’t like it though. I don’t feel as my personality is bright and vibrant. I’m just a drone going through the motions of my day. I usually love to eat, but I find no pleasure in eating. It just becomes a bothersome chore I need to find time to do. I enjoy life a lot less. At least when I’m not medicated, I experience moments of extreme happiness. That does come with it’s bad side though. The universe has to balance itself. With light comes darkness. My emotional highs are have the same range as my lows. As happy as I can be, I can easily become deeply sadden.


Before I sleep I’d like the talk about my relationship. I’ll leave what I started and finish it later. Maybe this will be made into it’s own post. Hopefully…

I’m afraid I will destroy my relationship. It’s not a hard relationship to maintain. It’s actually rather easy if I were not who I am. I can list a number of people who could maintain this relationship well. I spent a lot of time struggling and stumbling through this relationship. It’s hard for me. He often says to me, “If this is too hard for you, you can quit anytime.” What he doesn’t know that it shouldn’t be hard. I feel terrible he thinks that he is hard. He isn’t. I am.

I spend a lot on unnecessary time being unhappy. It’s not his fault. There are things I lack that he deals with. I mean don’t get me wrong, he has his faults. I just have a lot more.

The Week I Gave Up on Life and Reconsidered Getting Medicated.

CEMENTED

ce·ment
səˈment/
verb
past tense: cemented; past participle: cemented
    • settle or establish firmly.
      “the two firms are expected to cement an agreement soon

I don’t want to say it because if I say it I can’t go back.

For now, I have to focus on me.
What am I going to do with my life?
CEMENTED

DISHEVELED

di·shev·eled
dəˈSHevəld/
adjective
  1. (of a person’s hair, clothes, or appearance) untidy; disordered.

My room is a reflection of my mind. Unfortunately, my room looks likes shit, which transcends into my life. My life isn’t “shit”, but I need to be doing better.

This is my string of lazy thoughts to try to start a habit of recording my day. Maybe as I grow into better habits, I’ll grow more articulate. Right now, I’m just a loner needing to vent and maybe one last good cry over the matter.

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. Mentally. He’s a good man. He’s not a bad person nor did he do anything majorly wrong. I do love him, and there’s no one else I want. No one else- but myself.

Recently, I came to terms with the idea that I am okay with being Robin. I’ve brought myself to tears in the past repeating, “I’m BATMAN. I don’t want to be Robin. I refuse to be Robin. I am not Robin.”

Well, I’m going to be BATMAN. Maybe I’m doing him a favor to leave him. I can’t be what he wants. I don’t want to be a housewife. I’m not good at these girl things. I’ve tried. I was able to keep it up for awhile, but its not who I am. And truthfully, I am unhappy.

I said it.

I’m tired of waiting around for him. I know it will pay off in the end, but that’s not what I’m looking for.

Will I end up really breaking up with him? Probably not. But I need to figure this out. I’m just so angry and annoyed with him that I’m not thinking straight.

I am unhappy.

DISHEVELED