…to what could have been my [Heart And Soul]

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you 
And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye”

Now every song that comes on shuffle is about you.
I wake up glancing at my phone to see if I received anything from you.
I put myself out there and if you’re not ready or aren’t interested—
Just know it’s okay.
For that brief moment we spent our time together, I just wanted you to know this:

I always measured how well another fits in my life by how well our hands fit together.
I just never fit quite right in anyone’s hands.
My hands were always too big, much like my personality.
But in yours-I almost fit.
And, boy, did it scare me.
My palms would get sweaty and I’d pull back.

I’d be struck by lightning if I said you were perfect.
Logically, I didn’t want to love you.
You were broken, unaccountable, confused, and irresponsible.
I was and still am the same.
But I believe we were meant to touch lives.
For that brief moment, you healed me and made me feel something I never thought I could feel.

Love doesn’t have to be forever.
It isn’t limited to being the perfect person at the perfect time.
But for that time in my life, you were perfect.
Quite frankly, you don’t get to choose who sparks your soul.
Sometimes everything is fucked up and life becomes so dark.
Then out of nowhere, someone lights your life back up again.
Sometimes it’s good for that moment and that’s enough.
Really, you only need one flicker of a match to light one candle and that one candle can light the others.
That one flicker can illuminate a room.

I knew we were doomed before we started.
I went to you anyways.
In that instance everything felt like the movies.
From that moment on, you unknowingly inspired me to do better and be better.
Your biggest gift to me was being. Just… being.

And I just want you to know you didn’t have to be anything you weren’t.
I stupidly, helplessly, but truly loved you the way you were.
I was grateful that you existed and even more grateful I could be in the same space as you.
I didn’t need anything else.
I wanted to let your anxious soul know that it is possible for someone to love you as broken as you are.
Everyone deserves to know they are and capable of being loved unconditionally.
For a brief moment in my lifetime, I got to experience an unexplainable affection for someone.
We were doomed from the beginning, but I am grateful to experience a love like this. Just to even know it could possibly exist.

I loved you too hastily, illogically, and blindly.
And I won’t stay.
I’ll love you unapologetically and I’ll move on.
Hopefully, one day I can find a love like this with the perfect person at the perfect time.
But for now, this love has more than sufficed.

Thank you for existing.

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…to what could have been my [Heart And Soul]

10 THINGS: I Wish My Professors, my Employer (and my High School Teachers) Knew About Me

  1. I’m not as uninterested as I seem. As a matter of fact, most of the time I am extremely interested and intrigued. (If I can make it to class/work.) There several moments in class where my chest beats with excitement and I am so immersed in what were learning. I am not even exaggerating.
  2. I am not as stupid or dumb as my grades and GPA reflects.
  3. I’m not as lazy as my attention span, grades, and GPA reflects. Really, I’ve tried to do the assignments (if I didn’t forget about them), but most of the time I get so much of a headache because my mind will not focus on it. I start to feel a pang of guilt and anxiety. I cope by letting the deadline pass and just accepting the fact that I’ll probably fail. I just tell myself to stop being lazy.
  4. I am so detailed oriented that I get lose sight of the big picture. I do really well in some components of my work, and fall short in others because I only hyper focus in one area while neglecting another.
  5. You are doing such amazing work and I admire you so much for it.
  6. I feel bad for the days I miss. I always regret not going.
  7. Now a days, I try to be a quiet as possible and not be noticed. But I am pretty opinionated. I have a lot of ideas and intellectual value to add to a conversation. I would love to partake in the open discussion, but there are just a lot of elements holding back. Plus, I don’t want to be noticed while I’m there so you don’t notice when I’m not there.
  8. I don’t plan to skip. There are days that it is hard to mentally get out of bed and function.
  9. I work well medicated. But I feel like a lifeless soul consumed by work and chores when I am. More times than not I choose not to be medicated. Though, these days I am strongly reconsidering. Life becomes such a chaotic mess without it. I might not have my personality, but at least things get done
  10. I really, truly want to do well. But I don’t. I wish my work and output reflected my true mind. I just wish I could organize it so you could see what I truly have to offer.

I didn’t write this list to excuse myself from doing what I need to do or the expect anyone to be easier on me. In reality, I can’t have a doctor write an excuse note telling my boss I couldn’t complete my job because of my ADHD. What kind of boss would deal with that? They could just find someone more capable.

I’m just writing this because I feel bad. For those who can relate, I’ve spent my entire school career-as far as I can remember (since kindergarten)- feeling anxiety and guilt-ridden. A lot of my professors were excellent professors and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed their enthusiasm. I hate that I am wasting someone else’s energy and effort. I feel like I’m the type that would dishearten a professor. The world needs more professors like my professors this semester. I can really see the disappointment in my professors when we seems uninterested, but they still push through with positivity. It’s so admirable and they still care enough to work with us.

10 THINGS: I Wish My Professors, my Employer (and my High School Teachers) Knew About Me