In all honesty…

If I were to be completely honest…

I’m not fine.

As of right now, I finally become okay with not being fine.

I still don’t want to see people. I still don’t want to talk bad about him. I think if someone ask me “How’s Jo?” I would just break down.

I don’t want to drink while I’m this sad. I’m already on the brink of tears every now and then. I don’t want to be a hot mess. Drinking won’t make me or the situation better. Plus, it slows down the weight loss. Lol, how am I supposed to catfish the next one with a beer belly.

I really don’t want to sleep with anyone else. I said that to make him mad, but really my heart is not in it. I don’t want anyone else right now. I don’t want to get attached to someone else and waste my time. I mean I don’t want to sleep with him right now either. The thought of sleeping with him still grosses me out. To me, he’s still tainted.

All my good friends were over yesterday, but I just went to my room and tried to sleep. I didn’t want anyone to ask me. Everyone is going out tonight, but I just can’t. I just want to be alone.  I don’t want to talk to anyone about it. All I had was him to talk about it with, but I would just get so mad and try to hurt him as much as he hurt me. I just don’t want to talk about him to anyone else but him because all I have to say are bad things about him right now.

He really is stupid. He just gave up. He really doesn’t get it. Whether it’s reading in between the lines or literal. He just goes based on his opinion, not considering how I feel. Even after what he did, he still has too much pride. I just don’t understand him. He had the nerve to get mad at me every time I had an angry outburst. I mean he would apologize later on but the fact that he would get angry to begin with pissed me off. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?! If it was the other way around he would have killed me. He would have fucked all my shit up. All I had was him to talk about it. I just wanted him to make it better. To try to fix it. He didn’t try hard enough. He’s made no initiative to change or tell me why it will be better if we got back together. He just stuck with the only way he knew how and was trying to charm his way around what he did. He just starts talking like we’re a couple again like I’m just going to date him after a betrayal. NO. I’m still mad at my mom for a betrayal not even done to me from years ago; so, if I can be mad at my mom this long, imagine how long I can stay mad at him. He didn’t try hard enough outside of his comfort zone. You have to prove to me your worthiness. You have to prove you’re willing to change. But he just stuck to his old ways. That’s not enough to prove that this time it will be better. Just being nice when you’ve done wrong and trying to sweet talk won’t do the job.

All I know is that he gave up on us. Boss lady was right though. You can’t give and expect someone is going to give you the same back. You have to just do it out of the kindness of your heart. I gave him the the same kind of love I was hoping to receive back. That’s what kills me. I didn’t get it back.

I guess I wasn’t worth it for him to keep trying for.He claims he wanted to be with my for the rest of his life. But that’s bullshit. Men go out of their ways to get what they want, but he didn’t want me enough. He just packed his shit and left. While we were together I tried to get better for him, but he just walked away and is trying to get better for the next one. I guess I wasn’t worth it. I guess I wasn’t worth his effort.

It’s not fair how a boy won’t hurt as much as a girl. He can still sleep easy and live his life like I didn’t exist. Me? I’ll be okay soon, but sometimes it just hurts so bad. But every day it gets easier.

 

 

 

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In all honesty…

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