Right now

I had to cut it off again with Number 6. I should have never reached out but I needed closure. I got it; so, no time wasted. It’s funny. He kept telling me he loves me. He has a funny way of showing it. I couldn’t say it back. I wasn’t sure anymore. After everything, I didn’t want to and I really wasn’t sure.

Well, this morning I broke it off and realized that I do love him. I really don’t give a shit about my exes. Really. Once I’m over it, I’m so over it. I’m not sure if I’ll eventually get over him the same way. But right now, I’m just happy he’s alive. Even if he’s not by my side. I just want him to be happy and well.

[Post 1] I Have Two Hands. Number 7.

I hate Number 7 more than I hate my ex I thought I would marry, but cheated on me then gave me an STI. And I’m sure it goes without saying, that one shattered me.

GOD, I still think about Number 7 every single day.

We didn’t even really date. We only saw for a two month period. It’s been a little over two months since I last saw him, but I still can’t shake him.

Not even being petty, I didn’t even think he was a great person. He wasn’t bad, but he really wasn’t good either…….

TBC….All this angst has exhausted me enough to sleep…I’ll finish this later.

[Intro] I Have Two Hands.

I’m not a writer. I can’t make words dance off a page type bullshit. I only write in pain. So I️ will spill it all out here.

This is going to be a multi-post story. Mostly unorganized, embarrassing, and painfully honest ramblings of my terrible relationship with relationships. Not just with boys- with everyone. I will go out of order because I’ve learned that not everything has to be in the proper order to end well. Truthfully, I don’t even know if  things will end well by my last post. I’m just going to write. I’m going to write until I’ve properly recalled and coped.

Here’s a back story I started on over two months ago while I was coping over a “break-up”.

 

​“Keep it all on one hand.”

5 was my number.

5 was the amount of sexual partners in my lifetime I was allowed to have before I got married.

5 was high even in my book. At the beginning of this year [2017], I was already at 4. I was so adamant number on that number that I went through great lengths to keep it on one hand. Number 5 would have to marry me. He had to.

It’s November [2017]. I’m still a 27 year old single mom– who is in fact,  is more single than ever.

And I’m on 7.

So here’s another one of the plans and life goals I set up for myself and failed at. I’ve literally failed at EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of my life goals so far. I’m basically telling stories of what a fuck-up I am and all of the fuck-ups I learned from. Surely, I’m a less naive and wiser person now. Hopefully. 

I’m on 7, and it’s fine. I have two hands. No, I’m not limiting myself to 10 or anything anymore. If it happens, it’ll happen whenever. Why was I trying so hard to keep it on one hand when I have two? Sometimes you have to roll with the punches and adjust your plans. Whats done is done and I can only move forward.

So, out of order, here are my stories of  mistakes and coping.

My dream is for my son to be a better person than I am. Days have been getting harder. I don’t know if I’m closer to giving up than ever.

But.

My dream is for my son to be a better person than I am. So I have to set the bar high.

And that’s why I wake up now a days. Fight to do better so he can do even better.

Because, ultimately, giving up is the most selfish thing I can do even when it feels like the most selfless.

…to what could have been my [Heart And Soul]

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you 
And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye”

Now every song that comes on shuffle is about you.
I wake up glancing at my phone to see if I received anything from you.
I put myself out there and if you’re not ready or aren’t interested—
Just know it’s okay.
For that brief moment we spent our time together, I just wanted you to know this:

I always measured how well another fits in my life by how well our hands fit together.
I just never fit quite right in anyone’s hands.
My hands were always too big, much like my personality.
But in yours-I almost fit.
And, boy, did it scare me.
My palms would get sweaty and I’d pull back.

I’d be struck by lightning if I said you were perfect.
Logically, I didn’t want to love you.
You were broken, unaccountable, confused, and irresponsible.
I was and still am the same.
But I believe we were meant to touch lives.
For that brief moment, you healed me and made me feel something I never thought I could feel.

Love doesn’t have to be forever.
It isn’t limited to being the perfect person at the perfect time.
But for that time in my life, you were perfect.
Quite frankly, you don’t get to choose who sparks your soul.
Sometimes everything is fucked up and life becomes so dark.
Then out of nowhere, someone lights your life back up again.
Sometimes it’s good for that moment and that’s enough.
Really, you only need one flicker of a match to light one candle and that one candle can light the others.
That one flicker can illuminate a room.

I knew we were doomed before we started.
I went to you anyways.
In that instance everything felt like the movies.
From that moment on, you unknowingly inspired me to do better and be better.
Your biggest gift to me was being. Just… being.

And I just want you to know you didn’t have to be anything you weren’t.
I stupidly, helplessly, but truly loved you the way you were.
I was grateful that you existed and even more grateful I could be in the same space as you.
I didn’t need anything else.
I wanted to let your anxious soul know that it is possible for someone to love you as broken as you are.
Everyone deserves to know they are and capable of being loved unconditionally.
For a brief moment in my lifetime, I got to experience an unexplainable affection for someone.
We were doomed from the beginning, but I am grateful to experience a love like this. Just to even know it could possibly exist.

I loved you too hastily, illogically, and blindly.
And I won’t stay.
I’ll love you unapologetically and I’ll move on.
Hopefully, one day I can find a love like this with the perfect person at the perfect time.
But for now, this love has more than sufficed.

Thank you for existing.

Nah. I just thought about it. I just want to be capable. That’s alll. 

Ultimately, I just want someone to be happy that I exist in their life. I just want to not be burden and to be worth someone’s time. 

2016

I spent all of 2016 miserable and most of 2015. Life wasn’t made for this. I have to choose happy. 

Dear Future Husband,

For awhile, I’m going to work on myself. Not just appearance but  everything. Thanks for waiting patiently. Even though, I wasted 2 years with a dick (I say 2 cause the first 8 months wasn’t too terrible), it motivated me to be better for you. I promise to keep working on us just as I did with him if not harder. I will always try to protect you and bring happiness in your life. I promise to make you dream bigger and love you always. But for now I’m broken. Give me some time and don’t hurt me. Please protect me and I’ll promise to do the same for you and Nathan. I’m sorry I’m such a fuck up. 

Even when we’re broken up he sucks the life out of me. I’ve been trying so hard to be happy on my own… and I’ve been doing fine without him. And everytime I’m almost really good… he needs something. I just feel so stuck and suffocated. I’m just so so so tired. I wanted to make it work so bad before. But  I’ve lost any last ounce of faith I had in him. I wish this would all go away and I can move on to being a better person. I can’t and won’t fall back into depression. I don’t even hate him… I just don’t care about him anymore. I just want him to go away.