So we tried to make it work for the 100th time in almost fucking 2 years. I just want to be done. I know we can’t fix it so why do I keep going back to this shitty ass situation and end up feeling like shit all over again. It logically doesn’t make any sense. I just want to stop being bothered by thoughts of him. Even if it doesn’t hurt like it used to or even if I’m feeling okay some shit always comes up that reminds me of him. I wish I could erase him off my memories. How can a mother fucker have time to hang out with my family, “train” all of the time, and date a fucking high school kid for a year?!
I mean I think it kills me that I thought so highly of him and he was more disappointing than I could ever fathom.
I’m ashamed to say this but I still miss him. And I figured out why.
When I met him, I was at a stage of my life where I felt exactly as I do now. I’m lonely, slightly depressed, and unable to eat. I was at a really low point when it came to emotional health. I was drinking a lot and my only relief was the gym. I was never eating and working out 2-3 hours and day, 6 days a week. I lost a lot of weight from depression. Then he came in my life. He was a shitty BF emotionally since the beginning, but I wanted him to love me. He filled a void that I had. When we started dating I was able to eat again and started to gain a lot of weight. While being with him I was unhappy a lot but when I was happy I was really happy. I don’t know. I feel physically cold inside. This is how I felt before we met. His body was warm and I felt like it warmed my soul. I just need to learn to warm my own soul rather than seek happiness from a significant other. That’s my problem.
I would have never thought I was that person… and I wouldn’t have ever suspected I did until I spoke to the other girl. She’s about 9 years younger than me but she understood. I thought it was me and I always felt like I needed to fix myself. I was so unhappy for about 2 years while we were together and I thought it was me. I thought I needed therapy for anxiety and depression. He drove her to go to therapy too. I missed him so bad when we broke up last summer that I went after him. He convinced me there was no one else and he wanted to get his life together. What coward. He couldn’t just say it. I told him I’d leave him alone if there was someone else. When I tried to give up I let him continue slip back into my life. I don’t know what a person like that has a hold over me. I even tried to make it work after he cheated on my abs got me an STI. To be honest, he’s not my type physically, he was really boring and one dimensional, he never really gave off good energy, and I was willing to spend the rest of my life with bad sex. Seriously, that’s how much he compelled me to stay with him. Logically, it doesn’t make sense. And frankly, to be petty– I can’t believe he had the nerve to cheat on me for so long and made me suffer 3 years of bad sex. 😪
I couldn’t do it anymore.
I won’t quit. I’ll work on myself and live to be the best version of myself possible. And if we don’t work out along the way… Then so be it.
I believe today is really the beginning of the end. I think I finally summed up the courage to leave. I just don’t want to waste anymore time. I don’t want his children anymore. I don’t want to be by his side anymore. I hung on so long. Loyalty is number one for me. I can’t compromise on that.
I’ve never been closer to giving up. Everyday I feel less and less like I want this. I don’t know what’s keeping me. Optimist? Fear of being alone? I don’t see a light at the end of this tunnel. We both could be happier apart. I’ve been so unhappy for so long now.