I’ll be better for the next one.

I learned a lot from this relationship.

I learned a lot from this break-up.

I got complacent.

For the past two days, I’ve been perfectly fine. Then he had to fucking message me about some stuff he needed. I was literally okay with cutting him off.

Today was really hard though. My car battery died so I didn’t go to work. I stayed home cleaning and I found our snowboarding stuff.

I really want to tell him to fuck off so I can be okay.

Today someone told me I was beautiful, but it didn’t make me feel any sort of way. I only care to hear it from one person.

He should never have met my family and son. I don’t think I can do this again.

I’ll be better for the next one.

The Caterpillar and the Butterfly

A messy caterpillar stumbled around the branches admiring the leaves above where the cocoons of which were once her friend’s hung. She continued to wander daydreaming of how she would start building her magnificent cocoon. While in her absent state of mind, the messy caterpillar stumbled across a sturdy foundation of another caterpillars foundation.

The angry caterpillar whose hard work fell apart blurted out profanity, berating the messy (and obviously clumsy) caterpillar. His days of hard work had just been destroyed in a matter of seconds by a careless caterpillar.The angry caterpillar looked up and realized the messy caterpillar was spewing out tears. She was extremely sorry. She began to choke up because she was so sorry.They angry caterpillar began to calm down enough to calm the now erratic caterpillar.

Soon the the angry caterpillar and the messy caterpillar began dating. They were an unusual pair, but they got along well. With time the messy caterpillar became less messy and the angry caterpillar became less angry.

The angry caterpillar began rebuilding his cocoon while the messy caterpillar spent more time daydreaming than building. Every time the angry caterpillar needed to work on his cocoon the messy caterpillar wanted to play. The angry caterpillar started to get restless and tired of having a half built cocoon.

The messy caterpillar soon left the angry caterpillar to work on his cocoon and began working on her own.

One day the angry caterpillar had finished his cocoon. The messy caterpillar couldn’t hear his voice anymore. She had no one to eat leaves with or climb branches. She sulked by his cocoon. In her sadness, she sat next to cocoon waiting for him to emerge. Day and night, she sat too sad to work on her cocoon.

Then, one morning she felt a small stir from the cocoon. The stir became into a rumble. The rumble grew louder and louder.

Then out emerged a beautiful butterfly.

The messy caterpillar marveled at this new wondrous creature. Her chest filled with so much happiness she was afraid it would explode. There before her stood a transformed creature in all it’s brilliance.

And all of a sudden her heart sank.

She realized she couldn’t make him wait for her to transform. He was a butterfly now. He couldn’t stay in one place when he had the world to conquer.

So she tearfully signaled the no longer angry caterpillar to leave.

Smiling, he turned around and flew off into the distance.

So she said, “Bye bye, butterfly.”

The messy caterpillar went back to the spot where she started build her cocoon and slowly started piecing her neglected cocoon back together.

The Caterpillar and the Butterfly

Excuse me as I flood my blog with short snippets of “feels”…

I just read a tumblr from three days before we hung out and started dated. I’m sad again.

I think I’ll just be crushed if I watch the videos of when he took of me on our first snowboarding trip.

Luckily, I’m a lazy turd and I won’t be getting up onto my desktop where those videos are stored.

I miss the old us. I did get complacent. I didn’t get any better from when we first started dating. If anything, I got worse.

I found this quote from 2 days after we started dating:

“Sometimes you meet someone and even though you never liked brown eyes before, their eyes are your new favorite color.”

That was so true how I felt about him.

Three days after we started dating:

He said girls are supposed to “always look pretty, cook, and clean”.

Swerve.

Psh. He chose the wrong girl. I hurt myself more in the kitchen than I do in any martial arts… And that’s the truth. Almost all the scars and cuts are from cooking or work. And have you seen my room?! I curse enough to make a sailor blush. And the always pretty part….Puahaha… Someone is in for a rude awakening.”

We knew this would be a problem from the beginning.

Remember when we first met it was snowing and you didn’t have a license?

Excuse me as I flood my blog with short snippets of “feels”…

I felt it coming for a while now…

So we broke up.

This time I think it was serious.

I should be relieved. There was a lot that I lacked for that relationship and a lot that he couldn’t understand about me.

I still miss him.

Sometimes it hurts to where my stomach churns. It becomes physical and my chest feels like it’s caving in.

I spent a year and a half invested in him.

At least it was sooner than later.

Every day will get easier. I just have to remind myself that I’ll recover.

I still miss him a lot. I wish he felt the same way.

I am grateful for everything.

Mom said that it wouldn’t work. She’s probably right.

Sadly, when I break-up I have a knack for remembering all of the bad memories.

I don’t want to remember him like that, but that’s my mechanism for coping.

Bye bye, Stupid. I loved you. When I stop loving you, there’s no turning back.

I hope that we can still be friends. I know you’re capable of it, but I’m not.

I felt it coming for a while now…