Who am I kidding? What am I trying to fix? This is broken beyond repair. It’s like a car. Sometimes the part you need cost more than the car’s value. Sometimes you just have to let that car go and get a new one. 

It’s a sign.

 It’s funny. I didn’t even mean to look at the time when the quote was posted. 

While we were together I used to collect 555’s. It means the Lao/Thai equivalent to “lol”. It literally translate to  “ha ha ha”. Anyways, 555 would always remind me of him. Anytime I saw it I would take a picture or screenshot it. I would wait for 5:55 every day because it always made me feel like our relationship would go well. I’m weird like that.

But look at the time this quote was posted. It’s the universe telling me to walk away and I’ll be fine. 

Cutting him off

I’m not sad anymore. It’s funny because my friend told me I had one day to cry about it and I told him I needed two. I just needed to be a cry baby this week and next week I’d be fine. Lol… I called it. I didn’t cry at all today or even come close. I think I am over it. I guess I really needed something this bad to finally break up for good. All this sadness is too much energy and it’s not like I feel that much emptier than I did before. It’s basically the same as when we were together except I don’t text everyday. Now when I see something that reminds my of him I just need to brush it off. And I don’t have to wait around for 5:55 anymore. Besides that everything is the same.

But I so have a minor issue. I sometimes get these burst of anger but then I’m okay again. The burst of anger is good though. For awhile I almost forget and come close the forgiving then he starts to talk to me like we’re a couple. It pisses me off. What right does someone have to fuck someone else, give me an STI, and think everything is okay. It’s not. It will never be. I just have to cut him off so I can move on. Just face everyone next week. I don’t feel like talking about it with people now. I don’t want people to feel bad for me. I don’t want to relive it or think about him. I don’t want to worry about him anymore and not feel weird about moving on.

The gym is helping me feel better fast. Now I think about it, the gym got my through my last bad break up. I was doing a lot of bad things after that last break up before I got serious about the gym. Luckily, I got serious about the gym before shit hit the fan. And at this gym I have a better support system.

And lastly,  I just don’t want to start over. What if someone else ends up wasting my time? Being single is easier though. There’s a lot of freedom.

Maybe I shouldn’t go back this time.

And if it doesn’t work out with brown-eyes, it’s fine. You went outside of your comfort zone and learned something. It was a new experience. It might of not felt like home, but you’re better prepared for when you find home. And when you do find home, you’ll never question it.

I really thought this would be it. I wanted to marry him. But I’m just grateful we ended on good terms and our last two weeks together were good memories. I waited 2 years for it to get better. It did but I don’t know. It’s just never stable and never secure.

I just want to find home. Somewhere I’m wanted and loved  and where I can put my heart and soul. Please be out there waiting for me. Honestly, I just want to wholeheartedly love someone and have it returned. We can just love each other and our kids and Nathan and our friends and family. Travel together. Show off each other proudly to the world. Never give up on each other. And not just throw it away when its broken. As long as we want and love each other, for us to work hard to fix it.

I just want a wonderful, stable home.

 

 

Anxiety

I have crippling anxiety now. I’m not sure what happened to me, but this is not good. It’s really affecting our relationship.

Reading over our break up post from last year brought back intense feelings. It didn’t really intensify my anxiety, but rather reminded me why I have it.

If I don’t work it out with myself, It’ll never work out. Not with him or anyone.

Really, I think I have a fear of being left.

Our parents left us to our aunt and uncle while they started up their business. They were good people. I just wanted to be with my parents so bad. I still remember the EXACT feeling I felt when my dad would visit us in North Carolina and when his visit was over. How he would kiss us and tell us bye while we were “asleep”. He would be gone in the morning. I just remember balling my eyes out until I feel asleep.

I don’t know what I feared. Maybe he wasn’t coming back for us? He did, but I guess that anxiety stuck.

What sad is I’m doing the same to my son. His dad is doing it too. Maybe I needed this. To reevaluate motherhood. I have neglected that role.

Wow, in 10 minutes this post really took a turn.

 

I put someone first who just pushed me dead last. Take your propped foot out the door and coming in when its convenient. Just go away. Seriously.

Tell me what I need to do to make it stop hurting so badly. Please.

When will I be okay?

I’ll be better for the next one.

I learned a lot from this relationship.

I learned a lot from this break-up.

I got complacent.

For the past two days, I’ve been perfectly fine. Then he had to fucking message me about some stuff he needed. I was literally okay with cutting him off.

Today was really hard though. My car battery died so I didn’t go to work. I stayed home cleaning and I found our snowboarding stuff.

I really want to tell him to fuck off so I can be okay.

Today someone told me I was beautiful, but it didn’t make me feel any sort of way. I only care to hear it from one person.

He should never have met my family and son. I don’t think I can do this again.

The Caterpillar and the Butterfly

A messy caterpillar stumbled around the branches admiring the leaves above where the cocoons of which were once her friend’s hung. She continued to wander daydreaming of how she would start building her magnificent cocoon. While in her absent state of mind, the messy caterpillar stumbled across a sturdy foundation of another caterpillars foundation.

The angry caterpillar whose hard work fell apart blurted out profanity, berating the messy (and obviously clumsy) caterpillar. His days of hard work had just been destroyed in a matter of seconds by a careless caterpillar.The angry caterpillar looked up and realized the messy caterpillar was spewing out tears. She was extremely sorry. She began to choke up because she was so sorry.They angry caterpillar began to calm down enough to calm the now erratic caterpillar.

Soon the the angry caterpillar and the messy caterpillar began dating. They were an unusual pair, but they got along well. With time the messy caterpillar became less messy and the angry caterpillar became less angry.

The angry caterpillar began rebuilding his cocoon while the messy caterpillar spent more time daydreaming than building. Every time the angry caterpillar needed to work on his cocoon the messy caterpillar wanted to play. The angry caterpillar started to get restless and tired of having a half built cocoon.

The messy caterpillar soon left the angry caterpillar to work on his cocoon and began working on her own.

One day the angry caterpillar had finished his cocoon. The messy caterpillar couldn’t hear his voice anymore. She had no one to eat leaves with or climb branches. She sulked by his cocoon. In her sadness, she sat next to cocoon waiting for him to emerge. Day and night, she sat too sad to work on her cocoon.

Then, one morning she felt a small stir from the cocoon. The stir became into a rumble. The rumble grew louder and louder.

Then out emerged a beautiful butterfly.

The messy caterpillar marveled at this new wondrous creature. Her chest filled with so much happiness she was afraid it would explode. There before her stood a transformed creature in all it’s brilliance.

And all of a sudden her heart sank.

She realized she couldn’t make him wait for her to transform. He was a butterfly now. He couldn’t stay in one place when he had the world to conquer.

So she tearfully signaled the no longer angry caterpillar to leave.

Smiling, he turned around and flew off into the distance.

So she said, “Bye bye, butterfly.”

The messy caterpillar went back to the spot where she started build her cocoon and slowly started piecing her neglected cocoon back together.

Excuse me as I flood my blog with short snippets of “feels”…

I just read a tumblr from three days before we hung out and started dated. I’m sad again.

I think I’ll just be crushed if I watch the videos of when he took of me on our first snowboarding trip.

Luckily, I’m a lazy turd and I won’t be getting up onto my desktop where those videos are stored.

I miss the old us. I did get complacent. I didn’t get any better from when we first started dating. If anything, I got worse.

I found this quote from 2 days after we started dating:

“Sometimes you meet someone and even though you never liked brown eyes before, their eyes are your new favorite color.”

That was so true how I felt about him.

Three days after we started dating:

”

He said girls are supposed to “always look pretty, cook, and clean”.

Swerve.

Psh. He chose the wrong girl. I hurt myself more in the kitchen than I do in any martial arts… And that’s the truth. Almost all the scars and cuts are from cooking or work. And have you seen my room?! I curse enough to make a sailor blush. And the always pretty part….Puahaha… Someone is in for a rude awakening.”

We knew this would be a problem from the beginning.

Remember when we first met it was snowing and you didn’t have a license?