Dear Jo,

No worries. No one comes on this page. No one will know.

I just want to get the last of my hang ups out. I’ll just save this here until I have the courage to send you this link. I thought maybe if you saw some of my old post you’d understand where I was coming from. You don’t have to read them at all, but I’ll just leave them there. This letter is more important.

Stop asking for me back for now. Just stop. Stop trying to flirt with me. Here’s why.

  1. I don’t think I have to capacity to love you anymore. Maybe I can later. I doubt it, but who knows? I hated you too much for the the last two days. Not only that, you made two of my majors fears come true. You betrayed me. I haven’t forgiven anyone before this and I don’t see you as being any different. I still vividly remember how I felt with every major betrayal in my life. You would be the fourth person to make this list. I pretty much hate the 3 people above you on that list as much as the day they hurt me.
  2. You fucked another girl, got a STI, and gave it to me. You’re tainted. You’re dirty. I don’t even want to have sex with you anymore. The idea that you were with someone else turns me off and the fact that she was a dirty whore grosses me out.
  3. You didn’t even consider my friends, my coaches, and Nathan– all of the people I shared food and drink with. The worry and embarrassment you put me through.
  4. On that day I messaged you over and over about no bitches, you didn’t answer. That implies to that you knew what kind of partying you were going to do. You drank with those “bitches” in a hotel room. You say you don’t remember, but I don’t care because you put yourself in that situation. All of it is your fault. You made me feel like I was annoying for feeling the way I did when all along, I was right.
  5. Following up on the reason above, you travel a lot. You need a ton of privacy. I already have terrible anxiety. You don’t even try to ease my anxiety now so I can only imagine I’ll go crazy being with you. I can never trust you. My anxiety will be too much. I can’t handle it. You won’t be able to handle it. I just don’t trust you. I can’t give you 100 percent if I don’t trust you. Trust is everything. Now I’m not sure I believe anything you told me before either. It’s like a mirror. You might be able to tape or glue the pieces back together after you break it, but that mirror will never be the same. I’m not sure you can ever earn my trust back.
  6. Because you did this, I won’t be able to restrain myself when I go out anymore. There are nights I could have easily cheated but I had no interest. I think this will open up the doors to the possibility of just allowing myself to do it. Maybe I’ll be mad enough all over again. Maybe we’ll be fighting and I want revenge. I told myself a long time ago I couldn’t cheat on the person I’m with. Because I feel so strongly about this, I don’t want to be with you. I’m not sure what I’m capable of due to my resentment.
  7. I’ve been considering breaking up with you for awhile now. I’ve been lonely and unhappy being with you for a long time now. What will taking you back  do now? Everything will be 100 times worse than before. I have nothing to go back to with you. You still hide me from everyone. You don’t want to travel with me.You make no time for me. I don’t feel secure with you. You were too secretive. If you have nothing to hide, then why were you so shady? And every time I have these feelings, I try to tell you so we can work on it, but you never take me seriously. I stayed because I wanted to keep trying. I stayed because I used to love you and I really wanted us to work. As hard as it was, I wanted to be with you more. I wished on 11:11 everyday and on every rainbow I saw that we would work. I waited for 5:55 all of the time.
  8. I met someone. Not that I want to date though. Don’t worry, he’s not my type and I know it would never work with us. Plus, he had a super cute girlfriend and she’s there too a lot of times. But in our short friendship, I realized what I want in a relationship. We can talk hours and just enjoy each other’s company. Like we sit there and just hang out– nothing more.I listen to him and he listens to me. No sex, no nothing. It’s just enough for me to be there and listen to him. It’s hard for us to leave even though we’ve been talking for hours– just having a conversation. We both like to listen to motivational speeches too; so it’s nice to have something so in common. We play around a lot too. We just have a lot of fun talking trash to each other and teasing each other. Even though, he doesn’t really do BJJ he will come around, play, and roll with me anyways. It’s always fun when we hang out. No pressure for sex or anything. Just be together. I like that he makes time for me. If I get pulled into a class, he’ll sit around and make grumpy faces on his phone and wait for me to finish. Then after that he’ll stay super late with me. His GF even sits around and waits for us now.If I’m sad, he’ll come and hang out with me at the gym even if he didn’t plan on coming. He doesn’t need to know why and I don’t even have to tell him anything. Oh and he really believes in me. It means a lot to me. He pushes and encourages me to work harder everyday, but he’ll be gentle when he knows I’m sick. He’s even a little territorial with me (in a friendly way- he’s just looking out for me cause he knows I’m stupid). I think it’s sweet that he’s protective. He really likes kids too. I know it sounds like I’m talking like he likes me, but he doesn’t. We just had a strong connection. He and I are weird and we just click. Like I said, I don’t have any interest in dating him. He just made me see what I’m missing from my relationship. Maybe I just enjoyed the time and attention he gave me. This is my first new guy friend that I met on my own since we started dating. I tried not to get too close, but I haven’t had a friendship like this since high school. There’s no pressure to date or have sex. We just like each other’s company.
  9. I felt like you severed any link I had left to wanting to try to work it out. I loved how well you fit with my family. I thought it was awesome ya’ll could hang out comfortably without me. But after you embarrassed me and basically spit in their faces I question your loyalty for anything. You’re so fickle. One day you can be friends with someone, and the next day something bad happens you drop them. You don’t even give them a chance. You’re so emotional. One month, you hate Khunpon and make me quit the gym and the next month you think he’s great. Fickle.

 

 

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Dear Jo,

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