I tried to follow this consistent trend of using one word to describe the “state of my life” for every post. You know, how Gossip Girl would use movie titles to title its episodes or how some other series used song names. Well, it didn’t work out.
A major problem with me: I’m just so inconsistent. It can be seen throughout my life in with such negative impact that I’m seriously concerned if I’ll be anything more than a mooching bum. I’d rather not exist if that were the case, but I just can’t leave my son behind to fend for himself.
Which leads to this week. This week- I was discouraged. I literally quit at life. I mean in the important parts. I at least cared enough to get out of bed and took care of my court stuff. (I had traffic tickets that needed to be taken care of.) I tried to go school but only went to one class all week. I didn’t go to either of my jobs. I did meal prep and finally do the dishes and start the laundry. (Our dryer is broken so I have to get it done at the laundromat.) Other than that, I don’t know what I’ve done with all this precious time I always wish I had. All I can think of all of the money I missed out on this week. I’m going to be struggling even more now. UGH! Once I start to do better, I pull some shit like this.
I think I will schedule a visit with this new doctor. I finally got insurance, but I have been putting it off. I think I need the medicine. I don’t like it though. I don’t feel as my personality is bright and vibrant. I’m just a drone going through the motions of my day. I usually love to eat, but I find no pleasure in eating. It just becomes a bothersome chore I need to find time to do. I enjoy life a lot less. At least when I’m not medicated, I experience moments of extreme happiness. That does come with it’s bad side though. The universe has to balance itself. With light comes darkness. My emotional highs are have the same range as my lows. As happy as I can be, I can easily become deeply sadden.
Before I sleep I’d like the talk about my relationship. I’ll leave what I started and finish it later. Maybe this will be made into it’s own post. Hopefully…
I’m afraid I will destroy my relationship. It’s not a hard relationship to maintain. It’s actually rather easy if I were not who I am. I can list a number of people who could maintain this relationship well. I spent a lot of time struggling and stumbling through this relationship. It’s hard for me. He often says to me, “If this is too hard for you, you can quit anytime.” What he doesn’t know that it shouldn’t be hard. I feel terrible he thinks that he is hard. He isn’t. I am.
I spend a lot on unnecessary time being unhappy. It’s not his fault. There are things I lack that he deals with. I mean don’t get me wrong, he has his faults. I just have a lot more.