I was planning on running away from home earlier this evening. It wasn’t a wise course of action though so I haven’t–yet. I’m planning on running away later this week, when the timing is right.
This time I don’t plan on doing the same foolish kind of running away like I did when I was 18. Nope, I’m an adult now. I just need a day for myself.
I don’t deal with intense emotions well. Seething anger, confusion, helplessness, uncontrollable heartache. I just don’t want to be around people and need to fight my own monsters on my own. I always come out the victor. It might take a couple of hours, weeks, sometimes months, BUT I ALWAYS WIN. I come out of these battles a better, stronger, and happier person.
And, no, you can’t help me. Even if I wanted you to, you can’t. I have to do it myself. At times I find myself drowning in my own sadness, and I can’t drag people in my shallow “depths of despair”. I feel so guilty for my intense sadness, it’s embarassing
So these are the things I have to round up before I run away:
- My laptop
- some really soft fuzzy slippers
- two bottles of wine
- comfortable lounging clothing for the appropriate season
- regular clothes/shoes for the next day
- Epsom salt
- a particular essential oil I’m feeling at the moment
- a charcoal face mask
- a sappy/punkish/upbeat playlist
- Bleach solution in a spray bottle (to clean the hotel tub)
I’ll continue to add to my list as I better develop my plan for running away from home.
Now, the actual plan is kind of iffy. I need it to be affordable, relaxing, private, but not too isolated.
Maybe I’ll get a decent hotel the first day just to get out all the crying I have to do and long soak. The next day I should have lunch at a place I’ve always wanted to try but he refused to go with me, get a mani/pedi, foot message, see the chiropractor, buy some macaroons, and end up at a Korean bath house. That way I’d have a cheap therapeutic environment to spend a night, and I won’t be so “alone”.
I like it! Sounds like a plan. Now I just have to put together the funds, find two days this can work around school/work and when my son is with grandma. Oh and come up with a good excuse for the boyfriend. After this “runaway session”, I should be golden. I hope the magnesium from the Epsom salt and the pampering will work. I should be fine. Who knows? Maybe tomorrow I’ll be fine without it. We’ll see. I’m already starting to feel better. I haven’t written in so long I forgot the “release” you get from it. We’ll see.